You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Randomize
