Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
