He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
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