Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
