I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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