I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
