Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
