she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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