I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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