No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize