You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
