Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Sext me about skeletons
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize