So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
