Sober January is a disaster.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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