is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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