So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize