Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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