If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
People in love make me want to vomit
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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