Will you blow on my dice?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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