my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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