im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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