So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
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