Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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