i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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