Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
