My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
