What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
