3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Is Oprah even human
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
