im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
