Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
