I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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