nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
