I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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