Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
