i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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