im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
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