Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
