does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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