I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
