I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize