I can tuck mytits in my pants
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
