Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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