The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
