i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
