I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Floor bacon is actually really good
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
