I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm gonna fight the coyote
that is very illegal...i love you.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
