Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
