Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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