so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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