It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
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