shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
