Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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