sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
