My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
