I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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