it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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