Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
