I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize