the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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