my mouth tastes like poor choices
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
