y did u give ur computer a hand job?
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
