just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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